Ten Tips for Dads With Daughters

LISTEN TO GIRLS. I focus on what is really important--what my daughter thinks, believes, feels, dreams and does --rather than how she looks. I have a profound influence on how my daughter views herself. When I value my daughter for her true self, I give her confidence to use her talents in the world.

ENCOURAGE MY DAUGHTER’S STRENGTH AND CELEBRATE HER SAVVY.
I help her learn to recognize, resist and overcome barriers. I help her develop her strengths to achieve her goals, help other people and help herself. I help her be what Girls Incorporated calls Strong, Smart and Bold!

RESPECT HER UNIQUENESS, URGE HER TO LOVE HER BODY AND WHO SHE IS.
I tell and show my daughter that I love her for who she is and see her as a whole person, capable of anything. My daughter is likely to choose a life partner who acts like me and has my values. So, I treat her and those she loves with respect. Remember 1) growing girls need to eat often and healthy; 2) fad dieting doesn’t work, and 3) she has her body for what it can do, not how it looks. Advertisers spend billions to convince my daughter she doesn’t look “right.” I won’t buy into it.

GET HER PLAYING SPORTS AND BEING PHYSICALLY ACTIVE.
Start young to play catch, tag, jump rope, basketball, Frisbee, hockey, soccer, or just take walks…you name it! I help her learn the great things her body can do. Physically active girls are less likely to get pregnant, drop out of school, or put up with abuse. The most physically active girls have fathers who are active with them!

GET INVOLVED IN MY DAUGHTER’S SCHOOL.
I volunteer, chaperone, read to her class. I ask questions, like: Does her school use media literacy and body image awareness programs? Does it tolerate sexual harassment of boys or girls? Do more boys take advanced math and science classes and if so, why? (California teacher Doug Kirkpatrick’s girl students didn’t seem interested in science, so he changed his methods and their participation soared!) Are at least half the student leaders girls?

GET INVOLVED IN MY DAUGHTER’S ACTIVITIES.
I volunteer to drive, coach, direct a play, teach a class—anything! I demand equality. Texas mortgage officer and volunteer basketball coach Dave Chapman was so appalled by the gym his 9-year-old daughter’s team had to use, he fought to open the modern “boy’s” gym to the girls’ team. He succeeded. Dads make a difference!
HELP MAKE THE WORLD BETTER FOR GIRLS. This world holds dangers for our daughters. But over-protection doesn’t work, and it tells my daughter that I don’t trust her! Instead, I work with other parents to demand an end to violence against females, media sexualization of girls, pornography, advertisers making billions feeding on our daughters’ insecurities, and all “boys are better than girls” attitudes.
TAKE MY DAUGHTER TO WORK WITH ME. I participate in April’s Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work® Day and make sure my business participates. I show her how I pay bills and manage money. My daughter will have a job and pay rent some day, so I will introduce her to the world of work and finances!
SUPPORT POSITIVE ALTERNATIVE MEDIA FOR GIRLS. Our family watches programs that portray smart savvy girls. We get healthy girl-edited magazines like New Moon and visit online girl-run “’zines” and websites. I won’t just condemn what’s bad; I’ll also support and use media that support my daughter!
LEARN FROM OTHER FATHERS. Together, we fathers have reams of experience, expertise and encouragement to share – so let’s learn from each other. I use tools like the newsletter Daughters: For Parents of Girls ( www.daughters.com). I put my influence to work – for example, Dads & Daughters protests have stopped negative ads. It works when we work together!
http://www.dadsanddaughters.org/about-elem...or-fathers.aspx


Five Hurdles for Fathers
Every father faces psychological and cultural barriers on the way to full engagement in a daughter’s life. We must understand these hurdles to be effective fathers and stepfathers—or to work effectively with fathers and families. These hurdles may seem silly, unnecessary, or insignificant to others. But they are not silly, unnecessary, or insignificant to fathers.


Hurdle # 1
We grew up as boys. We simply have no experience in what it's like to grow up a girl. As one man puts it, “I’m not sure what a father to a daughter is supposed to be, since I was a son.”

No matter how much we love them and how much we want to connect, our growing daughters are sometimes a complete mystery to us. From their earliest days, we’ve asked ourselves “What is she thinking?” Believe it or not, a father can begin finding out what she’s thinking, open up communication and improve the connection, but that requires asking for information and guidance. That leads to the second hurdle.


Hurdle # 2
We’re Stereotyped. Our culture sees fathers as either invisible, incompetent second-class parents, or as all-knowing superheroes. Most folks (including dads) think mom is best suited to be the primary and most influential parent. One sees that mindset everywhere from the school nurse’s office to sitcoms. How often does the school nurse called a sick kid’s father at work to come pick her up? Does she have his work number? Watch the sitcom daddy who doesn’t know which end of the baby to put the bottle in, or who gags when changing a diaper. That’s the stereotype of Daddy as a dummy.

The opposite stereotype pops up in programs like “The Cosby Show,” where Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable has a wife, kids, a beautiful house and the rich lifestyle of a high-salary OB/GYN. It’s a wonderful, funny show with fabulous examples of family (and fathering) respect and support. But Cliff never seems to go to work or have outside stresses. He’s always available; wisely, lovingly and humorously raising wonderful children. No real man gets to live a fantasy fatherhood like Cliff Huxtable, even though many fathers judge themselves by how close to Cosby they come. The tragic murder of Mr. Cosby’s son helps reveal how unrealistic this stereotype is.


Hurdle # 3
The Protector Predicament. “The first time a boy comes calling on my daughter, I’ll be out on the front porch just casually cleaning my shotgun. Because I was his age once; I know what he’s after and I want him to know it.” - Tony

Fearing the risks and dangers, we long to engineer a single word or action powerful enough to protect our daughters. If only a shotgun could do the trick! This overprotective shotgun-on-the-porch attitude tells a daughter: “Daddy doesn't really trust me. He doesn't have faith in my choice of friends or my ability to choose good friends. He doesn’t believe there are any decent boys out there anyway.” It tells a daughter’s romantic interest: “This girl's father expects me to be a predator. Whether or not he knows me, if I am calling on his daughter, he sees me as a danger. He thinks that’s how all boys are, and maybe how all boys should be. He’s also telling me that the way to address fears or solve serious problems is with violence or the threat of violence”

Our fatherly fears are not idle, foolish or unjustified; they are based in reality -- for example, one in three girls (and one in five boys) will be sexually abused by the time they are adults. Some adolescent girls really do get pregnant, catch STDs and encounter other difficulties that last a lifetime. But the source of our fears is not the boy walking up the front steps, and the solution is not the shotgun. The culprit is a culture that glorifies violence against women and girls, romanticizes rape, and counts the pseudo-sexualization of children as an acceptable marketing strategy.

Even before romances start, it’s smart to look back into our own adolescence and find the “real boy in there.” “Sure, some of it was physical, but most of it was really wanting to be close to a girl, discover what girls are like, have a friend. It was exciting. It was confusing and scary, but it was great! I want to share that with my daughter, the good and the bad, from the boy’s perspective. And I can do it, too; she listens to me. I feel like that’s a pretty big bit of information, a gift really, that I can give her and that nobody else can. I’ll be able to tell her what boys her age are thinking.” - Jim

Just as we didn’t grow up as girls, our daughters are not growing up as boys. We can share with our daughter our knowledge and expertise about what it's like to be a boy. That’s priceless to a girl trying to decode the mysterious minds of the “opposite sex.”


Hurdle # 4
The Provider Predicament. Growing up, boys learn that a father’s primary role is to provide for his family. That’s a good thing to learn. But too many men bail out on that responsibility. And too many of those who stay equate the key word – provider--with their wallets.

It often makes practical financial sense for dad to spend more time at a paying job than mom, since men still earn more, on average, than women do (an ugly, sexist reality). However, this way of living requires a significant trade-off that we seldom openly acknowledge. As one dad puts it: “I realize that I don’t have that much of a relationship with Amelia on an internal level, because I work. That’s sad, because there’s always something you miss. You’re always off doing something and you’re separated from each other, so you don’t communicate like you should. I have a lot of regret that I haven’t done enough for her. I haven’t been there all the times I should’ve been there.”


Hurdle # 5
The Silence of Our Dads. Who can we talk to about raising a girl (or even about being a father, period)? Women talk about mothering all the time: with their daughters and mothers, with each other, around the water cooler, with relatives, at parties. They always seem to find a place to talk about—and to—their kids. Fathers are more likely to talk with each other about the complexities of baseball free-agency than the complexities of fatherhood. Without fathering conversations, dads don’t get much information from each other; and osmosis doesn’t work.

What we face is a generational cycle of silence about being fathers, and intelligent people know where generational cycles of silence lead. Many of our fathers were withdrawn and distant from others in the family, absorbed in work, or booze, or exhaustion—if they even stayed around through all of our childhood. This leaves little room for father-son conversation or questions about being a dad. So, compared to what moms usually learn from their mothers, most men are flying blind from the day their child is born.

Meanwhile, the way our fathers did things sometimes doesn’t seem to make sense today. Here’s another father’s voice: “How do I do this? There isn't anyone here to show me what to do and the roles are all different now—both their mother and I work full time. Am I being too wimpy? Too rigid? Am I just trying to win the argument or do the kids really need to know that I sometimes know what's best? How are they going to make it unless I lay down the rules? But laying down the rules doesn't teach them to think.

Of course, that’s the potential upside to all this old blindness and uncertainty. Today, men can create new ways to father – and many men (especially younger ones) do. They break the Silence of the Dads and starting talking to their kids and to each other about how they’re playing this gig. This is actually exciting for them and their families!

Adapted from Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and Support Your Daughter by Joe Kelly and used by permission.


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"Your parents and your children, you know not which of them is the nearer to you in usefulness; this is an ordinance from Allah: Surely Allah is Knowing, Wise." Noble Qur'an (4:11)

The above verse from Noble Qur'an shows the Islamic attitude towards the relationship between parents and children. From infancy to adulthood, it is unparalleled tender love and care of the parents which brings the child from the stage of absolute weakness and helplessness to perfect strength and independence.

Conversely, in old age a man becomes like a small child; the mind and body turn so weak that Allah (SWT) says in Noble Qur'an: If We grant long life to any, We cause him to be reversed in nature: Will they not then understand? Noble Qur'an (36:68)

Yesterday, your parents looked after you when you were too feeble to look after yourself; today you must look after them.


Once a companion (Sahabi) visited the Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), when he was engaged in caressing his two grandchildren, Hasan and Hussain. Being surprised at this act, the companion said:

"O Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)! Do you also caress children, I have ten children but I have never fondled even one of them."

Thereupon the Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) raised his eyes and remarked: "It seems mercy and kindness has left your heart."

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was very kind to children and loved them very much. He used to carry them on his shoulders. The children would become very happy and laugh. Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), too, would become happy at the pure happiness and laughter of the children and a smile would appear on his face.

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) used to give his Salaam (greetings) to children and would tell his companions (Sahaba): "I give my Salaam to children and respect them, and Muslims should follow my behavior and always be warm and loving with children."

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) used to speak about children - boys and girls - and Say: "O Muslims, O fathers and mothers, O my followers, be kind and compassionate towards children, for someone who is not kind to children has no place amongst the Muslims."


Children are blessings: (Muslim children, Islam and children, Qur'an and children, Muslim Parenting)


Allah (SWT) says in Noble Qur'an: "Kill not your children for fear of want. We shall provide sustenance for them as well as for you. Verily the killing of them is great sin." Noble Qur'an (17: 31)

Once a Companion, Sahabi (Allah be pleased with him) submitted to the Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): "O Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) which is the greatest sin?"

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Polytheism"

The Companion, Sahabi (Allah be pleased with him) again submitted: "And what next?"

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: "Disobedience to parents"


Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) and Loving Children (Rights of Children in Islam, Muslim Parenting)


Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) was very kind to children, especially to orphans. If he ever saw an orphan crying, he would stop whatever he was doing, bend down, give the child his Salaam (greetings), wipe away the child's tears, put his hand on the child's shoulder and say, "My child, why are you crying? Has someone hurt you? Come; let me take you to my house."

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) would take the child home and treat him better than any father. He would bring the child sweets, cakes and honey and put them in the child's mouth himself.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) used to tell his followers to love and be kind to orphans, especially the orphans of martyrs killed in the path of Allah. "They have lost their loving fathers," he used to say. "So cheer them up and look after them just like a father. Their fathers were martyred in Jihad and for the sake of Islam and they have rights on you. Make their souls pleased with you by cheering up their children and looking after them."

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) was always attentive to orphans especially to those of the martyrs. He used to visit them and sit, chat and play with them He used to take care of their education and training. Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) would strive to solve their difficulties and always offered them guidance and advice. He would bring them gifts and, if they were poor, he would respectfully provide their expenses.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) was so kind to orphans and laid so much stress on them in his teachings that one of his companions (Sahaba) said: "How I wish that I too was a young orphan so that I would receive kindness and love from Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as)."


Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: A virtuous child is a fragrant flower from the flowers of Heaven.

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: Be kind to your children, and excel in this kindness.

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: Have your children to learn swimming and shooting.

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: Train your children in three things: The love of your Prophet, to love the Ahlul Bayt, and the recitation of Noble Qur'an.

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: When your children are grown up to seven years, teach them the prayers, and when they are ten years old, seriously admonish them for it (in order that they establish prayers); and separate their sleeping beds from each other.

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: The child is the master for seven years and a slave for seven years and a vizier for seven years; so if he builds a good character within 21 years, well and good, otherwise leave him alone because you have discharge your responsibility before Allah.

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: Among the rights of the child over the parent are three: To give him a good name, to teach him to write and to marry him when he comes of age.

Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: When a person's son matures and he has the financial ability to marry him but does not do so, the boy will commit sin and the sin will be on the father.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: May Allah have mercy on the one who helps his child towards righteousness by being good to him, appealing to him, teaching him knowledge, and training him.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: The right of a child upon his father is that he should give him a nice appellation, train him well and teach him the Noble Qur'an (with its rules).

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: No milk is greater in prosperity than the mother's milk for the baby to suck from.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: Do not force your children to behave like you, for surely they have been created for a time which is different to your time.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: Mould clay as long as it is pliable and plant seedlings while they are still supple.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: A child that has to be restrained is like an extra finger: if you let it be, then you dislike it, and if you cut it off, then it is painful.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: It should be your aim to display more kindness towards your child than the kindness that he displays towards you.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: If you scold a child, then leave him room to turn away from his wrong action, so that you do not leave him with obstinacy(The state or quality of being stubborn ) as his only way out.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: Since you sat down wherever you wished when you were small, sit down where you do not want to now that you are grown up.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: The first things that children should learn about are the things that they will need to know when they become men.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: The more forceful the pretence( a false appearance or action intended to deceive.) is in the beginning, the harder it will be to keep up the pretence in the end.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: Surely the heart of a child is like fallow ground: whatever is planted in it is accepted by it.

Imam Ali son of Abu Talib (as) said: When a father beats his child it is like putting manure(Material, especially barnyard or stable dung, often with discarded animal bedding, used to fertilize soil.) on a young crop.

Imam Sadiq (as) said: Take action in teaching traditions (of Ahlul Bayt) to your children before the corrupted persons precede in corrupting them.

Imam Sajjad (as) said: The right of your child is that you know that he has emerged from you in this world; his right and wrong are attributed to you. You are responsible of his fine teaching and training, guiding him to his Lord, Almighty and Glorious, and, assisting him to obey Him. Therefore, be sure that if you do a favour to your child, you will obtain it; and if you act viciously against him, it will come back to you, too. Tarbiyat-e-Aulad.

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