May 27, 2007
Ebrahim Nabavi
Introduction: As an Iranian satirist, today I want to disclose some of my most secret experiences. These may not be useful for you, but it surely is for Italian military and marine forces. Nine years ago, when I started to write satire in Iran, I called my column in Jame'e newspaper the "fifth column"; the reason was that most of the journalists and writers in Iran are accused by right-wing politicians, to be the "fifth column" of the enemy. So I confessed from that very beginning that I am the fifth column of the foreign enemies; and now as the fifth column of you dear foreigners, whom the Iranians hate, I want to reveal some secret aspects of my country.
Of course recently, since our new President has come to power and intends to rescue all of you from the domination of America and teach you how to manage your countries, some Iranians who read my satire, ask me why is my articles so angry? And why, when you write about war, economical difficulties, negligence of human rights, beating the women and the youth in the streets, we do not laugh? I am not surprised because I don't laugh either.
Let me first tell you something: I believe we Iranians and you Italians have both made a mistake; we voted for Ahmadinezhad so that Hashemi Rafsanji who is a wealthy man doesn't become elected: and you voted for Parodi so that Berlusconi who is a wealthy man may not be elected. We both voted for the left; but there is a difference between our left and yours. Your left wing politicians want to take the money from the rich and give it to the poor, but our left wing, as it cannot take the money from the rich, takes the money from the poor and gives it to Hamas, Hezbollah and left wing Latin American countries to fight Americans.
I want to give you ten keys so that when you go to Iran and face close doors which you could not open, you may use these keys. Of course if Iranians find out that I have given these keys to you, they will accuse me of collaborating with foreigners, but as I am doing this for years now, I am no more worried. Before I give you these keys, I want to talk about an animation film by Bruno Bozzetto called "Italy and the European Union". I think any traveler must be aware how Italians drive before they come to Italy.
We Iranians, when gathering together, start to criticize our habits and behaviors and make plenty of jokes about it; but as soon as a foreigner repeats those jokes, we will occupy their embassy; because we love to occupy embassies and especially setting fire to their flags. One of our main revenues comes from the production of the US flags, which are usually produced during the week and set to fire on weekends in Friday prayer.
My job is making jokes about Iranian behaviors; the Iranians like these jokes and laugh at them, but do not like these jokes to be repeated in front of foreigners. This is why my books are never translated; because if the translator is Iranian then people would ask him: are Iranians really like this? And if the translator is not Iranian he would not believe I have written the truth and presumes that I have received money from Americans to make jokes against Iranian people and government, although such an accusation against me has been made by the Intelligence Ministry. So I beg all Iranians present in this meeting to be patient and let me talk a bit against Iranians.
I guess the Americans would enter a war with Ahmadinezhad's government; there is also a possibility that Parodi's government would be toppled and Berlusconi would come up as the only solution, and the Italian army and marine forces would again be sent to the Middle East. I suppose when your soldiers enter Iran, they would not be as lucky as the British marines to be captured and bought new suites, broadcasted on the TV, being received and entertained and set free at last by the President, and sell their stories with a good price. I imagine Italian soldiers would enter Tehran and trapped in a street with eleven doors. I want to give you ten keys. These keys are very important because if you don't have them you would not be able to understand what the Iranians are saying; what do they mean and what they want.
First Key: If you see that a huge terrorist act has been carried out and has been successful, be sure this was not done by Iranians. For example take the example of 19 terrorists who planned the 11th September operations for six months; it was obvious from the start that this could not be done by Iranians, because you can not find 19 persons in Iran who can work together, keep the secret from their wives, children, neighbors for six months, not regret after the target was defined, and continue in any circumstances to the end. So you can be sure that nothing long-term could be undertaken and delivered by Iranians.
They may pay the price but they would not do the job themselves.
Second Key: When you are in Tehran and ask the President's address or Ministers' addresses or ask who the president is, and they tell you that they don't know, do not think they are lying or hiding something. In Iran there are times that nobody knows who the President is and who is running the country. You, as an Iranian may know, who, on Monday had the power in the country, but this does not mean that on Wednesday the same person might still be in power. This may be the reason why dear Iranians know by heart exactly what happened 3000 years ago which no one can dispute or disrespect it. They know exactly what Darius and Kourosh said 2500 years ago and what they believed in, but may not know who was in control in Iran, how did he came to power, and why was he removed last month.
Third Key: You as a foreigner, might come across someone in Tehran who speaks fluent Italian and has good knowledge about the figure of Sofia Loren and knows important ideas of Dante or Machiavelli; you can be sure that if he invites you to his house he will take good care of you and make you gain 10 Kilograms of weight in one week. He will tell you that he, like all other Iranians, is against the government and calls the ruling class as "them" [ina]. He will tell you that all Iranians are against the government, but he himself might be an intelligence officer. Don't be surprised. He is not a liar. We Iranians basically hate any government which is not abolished. It makes no difference; if we ourselves had voted for a president we expect him at least to resign after 2-3 months. We basically like our presidents to resign; maybe this is why they never do. Do you think such a simple expectation from a president to resign and go, is a big expectation? Maybe this is why we were very fond of destroying kings, presidents and prime ministers during the last hundred years. Nasereddin Shah did not resign so he was assassinated after 50 years. The next Shah, when signed the Constitution, giving the people their liberty, became so sad and died in anguish. The next one sat on the thrown when he was ten; he escaped from the palace everyday and went to his mother because he had not the mood to be a king. Reza Shah came to Tehran to collect his wage, but as there was nobody there to pay his salary, he was obliged to take the power in his hand; at least to have his salary. He escaped from the people and died in South Africa. The next Shah did not resign and resisted for 37 years but was at last gone and died in Egypt. During the last 100 years 40 prime ministers and presidents were elected, among whom only five went home safely without terror, escape, or being defamed. At present we have one Shah in the US, one Queen in France and two presidents in Iraq and Paris. The first president after the revolution, who until recently called himself the legal president of Iran, escaped from those who elected him and went to Paris. The next president was assassinated. The next one was once escaped from a terrorist attack and became supreme leader afterwards. The next one was Hashemi Rafsanjani who was accused of corruption. The next president was Khatami who was elected for the second time by the insistence of the people and cried when announcing his candidateship. And finally our present President, that is Mr. Ahmadinezhad, does not like to resign and has nobody around to assassinate him, so he is trying to start a war, maybe in this way he could finish himself. So always remember that Iranian people are against all presidents, even the next one. On the other hand you should know that almost all Iranians think they are the best in choosing the president and running the country.
Fourth Key: All Iranian governments believe that their opponents are the agents of foreign enemies; this is why governments in Iran, prior to finding a few friends in the international scene, need one to three enemies (one main and two reserved). Of course many Iranians think whatever happens is initiated by foreigners; maybe it is because of this that they like the foreigners to attack the country and change the regime. But don't let Iranians deceive you because as soon as the war begins, Iranian nationalism, who, until yesterday, thought that all the ills come from the government and if it is toppled all would be solved, become supporters of the government. Basically Iranians think they can manage to run the region and the whole world. Sometimes we think the progress of Americans is due to the immigration of Iranians to that country.
Fifth Key: In Iran, the meaning of "political reform" is different from what you think; for example our left wing supports liberalism, our extremists support democracy, our conservatives are extremists, all supporters of state economic are billionaires, and our intellectuals believe nothing could be done and they better repeat what the ordinary people say; people who prefer not to read a book but to speak a lot and to defend by their lives, what they believe, not knowing when and how they believe. There is a simple rule in Iran: if you want to become a successful intellectual, you have to enter politics. When you do that, the people expect that you repeat their thoughts and beliefs. If you do that you will become their hero. When you become their hero you must fight the ruling system. If you survive then they will say you were an opportunist and government's agent. But if you were killed, they talk about you for a year and after two years they begin to criticize your weakness because of what you said, which was in fact what the people wanted.
Sixth Key: One of the secrets of Islamic society of Iran is that if, for example in Emirates, Saudi Arabia, or Afghanistan, 80 percent of the people do their prayers and 90 percent of them observe their fast, in Iran maybe 30 percent do their prayers and 35 percent observe their fast, and yet Iran is one of the rare countries which have a religious government. This is nothing special; it is because of an event which occurred 30 years ago, which could not have happened. So please don't think that in Iran you are facing a religious society. In the streets all women observe their veil because it is compulsory, but these same women have the largest rate in nose plastic surgery and use the largest amount of cosmetics in the world. The authorities fight those not regarding the veil, hardly for two months in the year and softly for six months in the year. But at the same time the women are drivers, managers, highly educated, writers and publishers, and rule in the house. In many instances the women are the real managers behind the scene, of the authorities. Despite all this, the veil is compulsory but the nose plastic surgery is not.
In Iran, wearing a tie for men is a sign of opposition to the regime and a sign of nobleness as well. This is because the first president of Iran, who has gone to Paris 26 years ago, had said in a speech, that the history of neck tie goes back to Christian traditions. From that time the tie was banned; now after 26 years, the president is gone and the younger generation do not remember him, but the tie is still banned. In Iran when something is banned it will never be allowed again. In Iran women use separate lifts in office buildings but cling to men in taxis, because there is no other way. The champion of driving in Iran is a women, but with a veil. In parties, you will see the real meaning of getting drunk and having fun to the point of madness, but they may knock on the door anytime and imprison you because of this party. Remember that you are going to parties again and they are going to knock on the door again.
Seventh Key: Iranians, in nearly all other countries, are among the most socially active group and are in a good position regarding their employment and education. But the most drastic event for an Iranian in these countries is to meet another Iranian. They try not to look at each other. But the same Iranian, who avoids looking into the face of another Iranian, even after living in Europe, Canada, or US for thirty years, loves to return to Iran, where there are seventy millions Iranians.
Eighth Key: When you go to Iran and see people talking loudly to you, don't be surprised; it seems Italians resembles Iranians in this case. This does not mean that they are opposing you or want to make a quarrel. No. This is mainly because Iranians do not like to hear what the other people say; they use their mouth more than their ears.
This is why people have to shout in order to make themselves heard. It took the former Shah of Iran 37 years to hear what the people were telling him 25 years ago. He heard it when one million came to the streets and shouted. Then he heard them and went out. Basically in Iran you either do not talk, which means everything is fine, or you talk but nobody hears you; so you have to shout. When you shout you go to jail. Opponents of the regime are heard all over the world when they go to jail. As soon as they are released from prison, they talk no more.
As a rule, the government of Iran does not release anyone who had not sufficiently forgotten to speak. Of course I don't mean to say that Iran is an insecure place and you might be attacked when you go there; in fact there had been attacks during recent month. All I want to say is that there exist some secure places in Iran; for example the Evin prison. Whilst you have not entered it everything could happen to you; but as soon as you enter it or exit from it, you are not the kind of somebody that anything could happen to you. There is something specific about Iranian prisons: the interrogators, unlike other countries, keep a political prisoner inside the prison as far as he has not confessed to his crime (which is usually spying), but as soon as he confesses that he was a spy or intended to topple the regime, he is released and free to do anything. In Iran people especially respect those who do not talk; they call him a sober gentleman. On the contrary they dislike people who make jokes and understand satire. This is true about laughing and crying as well: people know well what to do when they go to a funeral but do not know how to act when they go to party or wedding.
Ninth Key: People in Iran usually dislike elections because they are sure that their opponent will fraudulently be elected; so they boycott the elections. Interestingly enough, those arranging the elections do not like the elections either, because they are sure that if people participate in the election they will loose their power and opponents will come to power. But they are obliged to do the elections because there is no other way to elect a president or a Member of Parliament. The important point is that an Iranian knows, a year before the elections, that if he do not vote, the opponents of the people will come to power; but when it comes to a month away from the elections, they prefer to boycott the elections to see if the opponents of people would really be elected. This bitter experience is repeated on and on. Even governments elected by a referendum in Iran supports heavily the referendum in Palestine, but imprison those supporting a referendum in Iran.
Tenth Key: Maybe the most important key to the Iranian society is that it is an internationalist society. We wake up in Tehran in the morning. Our company and shopping center are in Dubai. Our talent has been explored in Tehran but our genuine flourishes in Europe. We go to France or London for education, but as we do not like to work in Europe, so we end up in Los Angeles and start working there. Whenever there is no job we go back to Europe to claim our unemployment benefits. Our TV broadcasts from Los Angeles and received in Khorram-Abad. We make films in Iran's deserts and win prizes in Venice, Paris, and Berlin. In Köln we support republicans and in Tehran the Royalists. Our best political articles are written in Evin but read in Paris. We become candidate in Washington, but our competency is rejected in Tehran, so we boycott elections in Berlin and decide to put up a referendum in London and become a member of parliament in Holland. In Tehran we oppose the regime, in Iraq we fight against the government but in Lebanon support the government. We organize rock music concerts in Tehran and our traditional music concert is well received in Frankfurt by Germans. We take part in Iranian pop music in Ankara and dance in Antalia. We win the Miss Canada prize in Canada. Our women rights are neglected in Mashad and we defend women rights in Sweden. Our King is in America, our Queen in one of the cities of France and our former president is in Paris. Our Judiciary chief was born in Iraq, but the Iraqi Prime Minster has lived in Iran for years. We amuse ourselves in Turkey, become rich in America and return to Iran to die.
* * * *
I told you when you go to Iran you will be faced with eleven doors. I gave you ten keys to open ten doors. The truth is that the eleventh key was dropped from the hands of an Iranian warrior 150 years ago in a war between Iran and Russia, and was lost. The eleventh door has been kept closed from that date. On the back of that door it is written: why during these 150 years the world has progressed and we Iranians have not?
Ebrahim Nabavi
24 May 2007
Brussels
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May 13, 2007
Iran and American Sincerity (a satire)
Ebrahim Nabavi
Iran and American Sincerity (a satire)
Ali Larijani got the news of Foreign Minister Mottaki’s participation in US-Iran talks at the Sharm al-Sheikh meeting in Egypt from news reporters in Baghdad. Mottaki on the other hand told Time magazine, “Iran is ready for direct talks with the US, but there are no signs of American sincerity.” Following this news, the White House was shocked and suddenly everybody woke up. An informed source announced that to show its sincerity, the US is planning to do the following:
1. From now on use a male pianist instead of women violinists. And instead of a piano, use the Iranian setar string instrument, but it has no right to play the instrument. Instead Haj Reza Halali, the singer of religious hymns and Eminem – both of whom use the same kind of rap – shall use it and play at the dinner ceremony hosted after the US-Iran talks, while everybody else will bet their chests in sorrow.
2. From on, the US will only recognize Mottaki as Iran’s foreign minister. Europeans can continue to accept Larijani as the foreign minister. The Americans must accept that Iran has only one foreign minister, but if Iranians wish to have 10 foreign ministers, it is none of America’s business.
3. To show their sincerity, the Americans are to tell Al Qaeda to tell Algeria to apologize to ayatollah Sistani in Iraq and not insult him and other clerics. Only Iranians shall have the right to insult senior clerics and call them simpleton sheikhs.
4. To show their sincerity, immediately and within the next 24 hours, the Americans shall change the results of the French presidential elections and put Segolene Royal as the president instead of Nicolas Sarkozy, while Segolene should promise to have a heart attack within a week and die, after which Jean-Marie Le Pen shall become the next French president through US use of force.
5. To show their sincerity, the Americans are to declare their apology to about the 1953 coup against traitor Mossadegh and instead, they are to stage a coup against the Shah and Mossadegh and make ayatollah Kashani the prime minister of Iran.
6. It is expected that within a week, the Americans shall announce to Iran their withdrawal schedule from Iraq and entry into Turkey and Pakistan. Within the next 14 days, they shall change the governments in Turkey and Pakistan and they have no right to say anything about this to Larijani. Iran shall later tell the US what kind of government it would like to have in Pakistan and Turkey.
7. To show its sincerity, within a week, the Americans must implement a plan to combat those Iranians who were un-Islamic attire in Los Angeles, and the LA Police Department must act under the authority of the Law Enforcement Forces of larger Tehran.
8. The Americans must implement the circular sent by the Ministry of Islamic Guidance of Iran regarding gender segregation of offices and buildings so that Iran can use that experience to implement the plan in Iran.
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April 22, 2007
Raping the Sharp Toothed Tiger (a Satire)
Ebrahim Nabavi
The story of the British sailors has turned into quite a story. After receiving 200 thousand dollars, Faye Turney published her story and said that she was afraid of being raped by the Iranians. Soon after, the British minister of defense banned the sailors from selling their stories. We conducted an interview with Faye Turney one hour before the minister’s order. It cost us 300 thousand dollars, but it was worth it. Please read the interview carefully.
We: How come you were arrested?
Faye (since we are Iranians Faye Turney has become friends with us and we call each other by our first names): We were moving in the water when we were suddenly attacked. We first thought they were Italians, because their flag looked like the Italian flag, just backwards. So…
We: How did you realize they were not Italians?
Faye: They kept talking by moving their eyes and eyebrows rather than their hands, so we figured they weren’t Italians.
We: Didn’t you have guns? Why didn’t you resist?
Faye: Well, they didn’t look like very mean, plus they weren’t far from us and we couldn’t shoot them. We were afraid there’d be fighting and we’d kill each other.
We: How was Tehran?
Faye: Well, it was hard in the beginning. They separated me from the rest because they said I was a woman. I protested and said why do you separate me from them, separate them from me. So they did that and separated them from me.
We: Where were you imprisoned?
Faye: I don’t know, but it was a solitary cell and we were taken out for interrogations.
We: How did they take your clothes off?
Faye: They asked me to take my clothes off. I said no, first you take your clothes off, then I’d do it.
We: What happened then?
Faye: That lady thought I’m a lesbian, so she said don’t you have kids, shame on you!
We: How did you figure out they wanted to rape you?
Faye: I was sleeping at night and I heard the sound of something like tea pouring in a cup. Then the door opened and someone gave me tea. Usually when someone gives me tea in prison I feel like they might rape me afterward.
We: How were the interrogations?
Faye: Very bad, they closed my eyes, and I constantly thought they wanted to rape me, then they asked me what my mission was, and without raping me they took me back to prison.
We: Did they threaten to kill you too?
Faye: Yes, one day I saw that someone was playing with me, I went to hug it but saw that it was a woman. I said what? She didn’t say anything, she just kept taking measurements of my neck and waist and stuff. I thought she was definitely taking measurements to give to the rape official so that they could see if I was suitable for rape or not. But then I thought they were going to make a coffin for me, but finally it turned out they were sewing clothes for me.
We: How did you feel when you were in front of the camera?
Faye: I felt really bad, I was sure they wanted to rape me in front of the camera and make a porno, but I knew that Iranians don’t make porno movies. Later I realized that that was a lie too and they just wanted to tape our confessions.
We: What is your worst memory?
Faye: It was the last day, someone knocked on the door, I immediately made myself ready for rape. She said wear your clothes, let’s go. I said should I wear them or take them off? She said we’re going to see the President. I said, no, not him! Can’t we go to your former president or army commander? They are much hotter. She said don’t you want to be freed? I said so what about the rape? She didn’t say anything.
We: What would you have done if they had raped you?
Faye: I would have sold the story for one million pounds.
Ebrahim Nabavi is an internationally acclaimed satirist who contributes regularly to Rooz
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