Revert American Women And Bad Marriage Experiences, What makes some women vulnerable?

It cannot be denied that a significant number of American Muslim women have had very negative experiences with Muslim men. While some have married and lived happily ever after, many have really been mistreated and taken advantage of. For example, there is the stereotypical story of a Muslim man marrying an American lady for a green card. She thinks the marriage is for ever. Perhaps she converts. Then he gets his citizenship, divorces her, and marries his cousin. Or else there is the other ubiquitous story of a Shi'a man doing mutah with an American non-Muslim woman. He leads her to believe they are going to get married, and she has no reason to suspect that he is not sincere. She converts, and then he leaves her.

(Please don't make this a mutah thread; I don't want it to end up in the distiller. That's just an example. The guy could also be doing haram and not mutah as well. Or else maysar marriage. It's the idea, not the practice)

If you're going to argue with me that this doesn't happen, then, please, don't bother. It DOES happen. I am not saying that men are evil. Indeed, many women are evil too. devil.gif Men can be victims too, and non-convert/revert women also have miserable marriages sometimes. But this is still a very real problem; didn't someone post on another thread that, in her area, there is now a support group for American women formerly married to Shia men of a particular nationality who left them?

Why does this happen? I was thinking about this today and realized that, perhaps, there are many aspects of American culture - particularly among the generation of women now in their 30's-50's - that make them particularly vulnerable to these situations. This is just a THEORY, and sociology is not a science, but here are some thoughts.

Incidentally, this is NOT my own personal experience. However, it has happened to enough people that I know.

1) Especially among middle class white women (and when women did not have financial power), there is an idea that women should "accept". (This may be a Christian idea) Despite our rhetoric as feminists, women aren't socialized to be "demanding" or "complain". It is as if we are socialized to act as if we have low self esteem. Yes, we may inwardly object to how we are being treated, but our mothers and grandmothers taught us to "endure", not to "complain". So, for example, if a guy says he wants to get married, but only after a few years, then unless we're a religious Christian who believes in chastity before marriage, then it is better to "accept" rather than to be "demanding". It's like society teaches us to think, "You aren't worth that much, so who do you think you are to be complaining?"

(Note to prospective suitors: I have overcome those voices! So don't get any ideas...)

In other words, women are culturally socialized to accept how they are treated, not to complain (except to their girlfriends lol). As a result, many American women unconsciously tolerate things that would be unacceptable in Muslim cultures, and some of our men know that.

2) Weddings. Weddings are not just parties. They introduce the bride and groom to society and announce their family bond. In addition, they also express an inention of life commitment, because no one is going to put out a few thousand dollars for a temporary marriage. Particularly, they demonstrate that the bride is deserving of respect.

On the other hand, for various reasons - family reasons, cultural reasons, etc - most reverts/converts do not have weddings. Or else, they have very small/simple weddings (such as an aqd in the masjid). While simplicity is noble, it also sends a very different social message which does not emphasize the lifetime commitment of the couple or the willigness to invest in the union.

Obviously, in American culture, it is normal to have weddings. People who get married are expected to have weddings. However, weddings have a lesser role in American culture than in Muslim cultures. For instance, weddings are considered to be more of a formal and private event among many Americans. It is not abnormal to only invite family and close friends.

In addition, Americans tend to be much more understanding of people who choose not to have weddings. They're more willing to chalk it off to lack of funds. It doesn't have the same social stigma that it would have in many Islamic cultures where young couples are expected to have a ceremony.

3) Social indepdendence. Although many Muslims in other countries do not believe it, marriage is still a family matter in America. Parents and relatives can and do express strong feelings about whom their chidlren marry. (Such as: "You'll marry him over my dead body and after I disinherit you!!!") However, generally speaking, there is a cultural idea nowdays that adult children have the right to choose their own partner, and families "shouldn't" intervene (even though they may object).

Unfortunately, an "independent" woman in one society may be perceived as a "vulernable" woman in another society which expects women to be protected by relatives.

4) Expectation of honesty/straightforwardness. Generally speaking, in America, people get married because they want to get married. It's not something that most people lie about. You rarely see people lying about basic things like their age, salary, or citizenship status before the wedding. There's no reason to. In contrast, deception has been known to happen in our community. Many women here simply may not be expecting it because it's something that's not common here.

Oh and also one more:

5) The media. Thanks to the worldwide spread of American media which objectifies women, American women are often portrayed as loose, immoral, or valueless, and stereotypes about American women spread. (You know what I'm talking about) As an American who has lived in other countries, I genuinely believe this is part of the problem.

These are just some thoughts; maybe some other people could contribute on this phenomenon...

http://www.shiachat.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=234937437&view=findpost&p=1548934