Iran and American Sincerity (a satire)

May 13, 2007

Ebrahim Nabavi

Iran and American Sincerity (a satire)

Ali Larijani got the news of Foreign Minister Mottaki’s participation in US-Iran talks at the Sharm al-Sheikh meeting in Egypt from news reporters in Baghdad. Mottaki on the other hand told Time magazine, “Iran is ready for direct talks with the US, but there are no signs of American sincerity.” Following this news, the White House was shocked and suddenly everybody woke up. An informed source announced that to show its sincerity, the US is planning to do the following:

1. From now on use a male pianist instead of women violinists. And instead of a piano, use the Iranian setar string instrument, but it has no right to play the instrument. Instead Haj Reza Halali, the singer of religious hymns and Eminem – both of whom use the same kind of rap – shall use it and play at the dinner ceremony hosted after the US-Iran talks, while everybody else will bet their chests in sorrow.

2. From on, the US will only recognize Mottaki as Iran’s foreign minister. Europeans can continue to accept Larijani as the foreign minister. The Americans must accept that Iran has only one foreign minister, but if Iranians wish to have 10 foreign ministers, it is none of America’s business.

3. To show their sincerity, the Americans are to tell Al Qaeda to tell Algeria to apologize to ayatollah Sistani in Iraq and not insult him and other clerics. Only Iranians shall have the right to insult senior clerics and call them simpleton sheikhs.

4. To show their sincerity, immediately and within the next 24 hours, the Americans shall change the results of the French presidential elections and put Segolene Royal as the president instead of Nicolas Sarkozy, while Segolene should promise to have a heart attack within a week and die, after which Jean-Marie Le Pen shall become the next French president through US use of force.

5. To show their sincerity, the Americans are to declare their apology to about the 1953 coup against traitor Mossadegh and instead, they are to stage a coup against the Shah and Mossadegh and make ayatollah Kashani the prime minister of Iran.

6. It is expected that within a week, the Americans shall announce to Iran their withdrawal schedule from Iraq and entry into Turkey and Pakistan. Within the next 14 days, they shall change the governments in Turkey and Pakistan and they have no right to say anything about this to Larijani. Iran shall later tell the US what kind of government it would like to have in Pakistan and Turkey.

7. To show its sincerity, within a week, the Americans must implement a plan to combat those Iranians who were un-Islamic attire in Los Angeles, and the LA Police Department must act under the authority of the Law Enforcement Forces of larger Tehran.

8. The Americans must implement the circular sent by the Ministry of Islamic Guidance of Iran regarding gender segregation of offices and buildings so that Iran can use that experience to implement the plan in Iran.