Ten things I've learned about Desperate Housewives'

Ten things I've learned from Susan Mayer

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By Amber Dowling
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'Desperate Housewives' returns for Season 4 and we've got a tribute to the clumbsiest of the batch to celebrate





Teri Hatcher as Susan Mayer

More often than not she looks like a deer caught in headlights, but there’s something endearing about Desperate Housewives' Susan Mayer that you can’t shy away from. Maybe it’s her ability to ruin the simplest of foods, always find herself in precarious situations, or clumsily get the guy. The bottom line is that we could all use a page from her book:

1. WHEN SPYING ON NEIGHBOURS, BE SURE TO LEAVE FLAMMABLE OBJECTS AT HOME
Otherwise you may wind up burning her house down, and then your house will be subject to engulfing flames in return. If flammable objects happen to fall into a burning candle, remember to remove all evidence (i.e. your empty measuring cup).

2. WHEN FIGHTING WITH YOUR EX-HUSBAND, MAKE SURE TO LEAVE YOUR FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED AND HAVE SOME CLOTHES ON
That way your towel can’t come off when you slam your ex’s car door, leaving you exposed. Hedges are not the most reliable disguise when you’re running around naked because you can’t get in your house.

3. WHEN LOOKING FOR YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND IN THE MOUNTAINS, DON’T DITCH THE GUIDE JUST BECAUSE SHE TELLS YOU TO TRY HAVING LESS DRAMA
Doing so will result in a sprained ankle, grounding you, which will eventually turn you into bear food. However, if you leave a message on your ex-boyfriend’s cell phone telling him you love him, he will probably come to your rescue and whisk you back down to base camp.

4. WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALL BUSY, YOUR DAUGHTER MAKES AN EXCELLET SUBSTITUTE SOUNDING BOARD
At the very least, you can use her school project to clog the drain and get your cute, plumber-neighbour to come over and help.

5. WHEN CONFESSING TO BURNING DOWN YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE, WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE OUT OF A BOAT ON THE MIDDLE OF A LAKE TO DO SO
That way you can be sure to end up with your dead neighbour’s ashes in your face.

6. NEVER LOOK AT THE ROAD WHEN YOU’RE DRIVING
If you do, you won’t be able to uncover dead bodies in trunks, crash into your neighbour’s car, or launch yourself into the forest with your cute date.

7. WHEN NEEDING SPLEEN SURGERY, REMARRY YOUR EX SO THAT YOU CAN GET THE INSURANCE
That way, you can kill three birds with one stone: revenge on the new girl who’s dating the ex, a send-off to the guy who broke your heart, and a way to get out of your current relationship with the doctor who is operating on you.

8. GOOD COOKING FILLS BELLIES; BAD COOKING CREATES LASTING MEMORIES
You know, so that when the love of your life goes into a coma and forgets everything about you, his memory will eventually be jogged by the raw pancakes you made him after the first time you slept together.

9. WHEN A GORGEOUS MAN WITH A KNEE-WEAKENING ENGLISH ACCENT PROPOSES TO YOU, FINISH YOUR PIZZA BEFORE ANSWERING
That way he can't rush you home when you say yes, which would leave you with an empty stomach.

10. LEARN TO ACCEPT THAT NO MATTER WHAT, YOU WILL BECOME YOUR MOTHER
Even if she has been engaged numerous times, wants to double-date with you and exasperates you to the point of no return, she's the splitting image of what you're going to become. But hey, you’ll both always have a stable man to fall back on, even if you spill something on him first.

amber@tvguide.ca

Desperate Housewivs returns Sunday, September 30, 9 p.m. ET, ABC and CTV

Published: Friday, September 28, 2007